Jokes

THREE KIDS FISHING

Gordon Brown was out jogging one morning along the Thames Embankment near Canary Wharf in London when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below. Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World in Paris.'

Gordon said. 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Prime Minister's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new set of Manchester United football kit.'

Gordon, 'I'll get them for you, and even have Alex Ferguson sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Gordon was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!'

FLYING SCOTSMAN

When at last Gordon Brown decided to throw in the towel and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a consultant told Sir Humphrey. but they are mostly freight locomotives."

"Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.

"That one has already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh well. Couldn't we rename it ?" asked Sir Humphrey.

"I suppose for the prime minister it might be considered," said the consultant.

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then...let's look at renaming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

"Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'."

HOW THE TAX SYSTEM WORKS

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7.
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by £20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just £80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33. But if they subtracted that from everyone's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay £5 instead of £7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid £49 instead of £59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

'I only got a pound out of the £20,' declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, 'but he got £10!'

'Yes, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a pound, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I did'

'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get £10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks'

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

SEVEN DWARVES

The 7 dwarves are in a cave when it suddenly collapses. Snow White is worried for their lives, until she hears a voice from inside the cave saying "I think Gordon Brown is a great prime minister". She says, "Thank heavens, at least Dopey is all right!"

POST TURTLE

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old British farmer, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his role as our Prime Minister.

The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Brown is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put him up there to begin with.

STAMP RECALL

Royal Mail created a stamp with a picture of Prime Minister Gordon Brown but the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of £2.1million, a special commission presented the following findings:

1 The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. The Public are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp

Creation or Evolution?

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear ?’

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
‘Mummy, how is it possible that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Daddy said they came from monkeys'
The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you
about his'